An alternative Christmas Cake recipe

Living on an island means that I don't get to see my family and friends as often as I would like to and so I love receiving emails from them to keep in touch. I enjoy catching up on their news and views and in particular I love their wacky jokes and sense of humour.

I have one friend who has an especially unusual sense of humour and I suspect that after reading about my antics in the kitchen recently preparing for Christmas she thought I needed to lighten up a wee bit and so she sent me this recipe for her alternative Christmas cake.

My friend assures me that it works because she has tried it. I will leave it to you decide for yourself!

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 1 bottle Brandy
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the brandy to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the brandy again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK.
Try another cup... Just in case.


Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the brandy.


Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

If all else fails then try Delia's Classic Christmas Cake

Cooking a la Seaview

As much as I love my food (especially when prepared and cooked by someone else), cooking for others comes a wee bit more reluctantly. As a new mum many many years ago I did what most mums do and I started off with the best of intentions - breast is best, home made pureed vegetables when weaning etc etc - none of this prepared jar and dried food for my precious wee ones.

After a few years however, reality kicks in and when working full time on shift work, those pre-prepared oven ready meals and take-aways start to look mighty appealing especially when I was so tired arriving home from work I couldn't bear the thought of cooking a meal from scratch. And it doesn't help when I regularly forgot to get something out of the freezer before I left for work anyway!

Over time I found the skills I did have as a cook (and I was taught how to cook by my mum) were rapidly vapourising into the ether along with microwaved TV dinners. A sad sad state of affairs indeed.

This all changed however, when I met and married my husband John several years ago. John's background is in catering, he loves food and as he runs a B&B having the skills to cook is an absolute necessity. Needless to say my own depleted culinary skills were yanked up by the boot straps and I quicky learnt to distinguish one end of a pan from the other...........and oh yes, how to cook scrambled eggs so that they are light and fluffy and don't bounce like rubber round (and sometimes off) the plate. 

We have very different styles when it comes to cooking. John has a tendency to replicate the Swedish Chef's style (remember The Muppet Show) which he describes as creative and intuitive with a hefty dose of Scottish flair, ably assisted by a wee dram of the old amber nectar! My style on the other hand is very precise and measured with great attention to detail. I refer to it as cooking like Delia; John refers to it as being 'very English'!!

Needless to say the kitchen can at times be a hotbed of differing opinions but we do work incredibly well and produce some cracking meals. Although we live in a remote place and don't have access to mainland shops and other food outlets, it does mean you have to make do with what is in the fridge, cupboard, or larder. The use of fresh local products means you end up cooking with the best of ingredients and what a difference this makes when it comes to producing flavoursome healthy meals.

Now, the original point of me writing this post was to say that I was I have been making good use of my time today (due to the appaling weather outside) and I have been busy in the kitchen making Delia's Christmas Chutney. This year I have made a real effort to make as much of my Christmas food as I possibly can, including my very first Christmas cake and although buying the ingredients has at times been stressful (remember no Tescos here on the island), the time, effort and results have been very worthwhile.

I just hope there is something left to eat for Christmas!